


i looked and looked (but i didn't see god)

by emullz



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, F/M, Outer Space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 16:10:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6665368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emullz/pseuds/emullz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which the world is gonna blow up and clarke is stuck on the space station. bellamy is not.</p><p>aka an angsty 'what if clarke and bellamy were on the ark at the beginning and not the end' au with a sad twist</p>
            </blockquote>





	i looked and looked (but i didn't see god)

**Author's Note:**

> cool hi thanks for clicking. title from a quote by astronaut yuri gagarin aka my idol

The first thing Clarke did was trail her fingers over the screen, tracing his cheekbone with the pad of her thumb and wishing that she was actually wiping away his tears and not just pretending. 

“Hi, Princess,” Bellamy said, and his voice hissed as it traveled through her headphones. It was huskier than usual, that much she could tell, and it was enough to set the tears running hot and thick down her cheeks. 

“Hi,” she choked out. “Hi, I missed you, hi.” 

“You heard the news, then?” he asked, and it was all very real. 

“You follow our instagram,” Clarke said, her fingers still resting on his virtual cheek. “They made us take a thumbs up selfie for the followers. To show we’re still up here, exploring.” 

“You just had to be Captain Kirk, didn’t you,” Bellamy said, shaking his head. “You know, in the show there was a Starfleet base down on Earth. You didn’t have to go on a spaceship to be a nerd.” 

“You’re calling me a nerd? You, the guy that’s dressed up as a gladiator for the past four Halloweens?” And then, all of a sudden, it was easier for them both to breathe. Pretending they had the same oxygen, the stuff of memories. 

“At least I wasn’t on Student Council in high school.” 

“Yeah, you were too busy with all the detentions and delinquency.” 

Bellamy laughed, the sound still managing to make Clarke smile even from a separate atmosphere. “Please, Clarke. Don’t think I don’t know the graffiti all over the gym was you.” 

“You still don’t have any proof,” Clarke said, sticking her nose in the air the way Bellamy used to despise. “I maintain that it was Van Gogh reincarnated, because it was some fantastic art.” 

“You’re a narcissist,” Bellamy accused, his smile winking through the screen.

“You’re going to blow up.”

Clarke couldn’t tell if her computer screen had frozen or it was just Bellamy turning into a statue the way he always did when he was surprised. She used to love hiding behind doors and jumping out to find him rigid, the terror etched into his features. He’d learned to take corners slowly, so it had been getting harder over the years she’d known him, but she always tried, and they always laughed. 

“I wasn’t gonna talk about it,” Bellamy said, finally, and Clarke curled her hand into a fist. 

“I asked them to send me down,” she said in response. 

“Don’t you dare-“

“Hear me out, Bell. I was supposed to come home next week, anyways, so I figured they had the shuttle ready. And, what would it matter? I’d much rather die with you looking up at the stars than try and fail to save myself in them.” Clarke pressed her hands to the monitor again. “And I miss you. So much. Fuck, I wish that your freckles were in HD again, because on this screen they’re one fucking pixel.” 

“Clarke-“

“They say that they’re gonna drop the bombs in, what, three days? And you have people trying to stop them, and that’s fine, but they can spare two guys to get me down. I can come home. We can get married, like we planned, and we can be like we promised for whatever happens next.” 

“Clarke, will you just listen to me?” Bellamy cut in, and he almost broke at the look of hope on her face. “If there is even a single millionth of a percent that you could live up there, if by any shot in the dark you could survive, you’re taking it. I will not let you die with me.”

“You promised,” Clarke continued, stubbornly, “you promised that we’d do this together, that we’d do all of this-“ 

“That was before the world was getting wiped out by nuclear bombs!” Bellamy shouted. “I love you, but I’m not going to let you get burned or exploded or covered in radiation. There will be no shuttle.” 

Clarke was crying again. “I want to come home.”

“I know. I know, but you can’t. Not yet.” Bellamy was pleading, running his hands through his hair. “I need you to stay alive. Please.” 

“I miss Octavia,” Clarke said through the tears. “And Wells, and Monty, and Jasper. Shit, I miss my mom. And Murphy, even. But I think that I could miss them forever, if I had to. It’s different with you. I only made it this long cause I knew I’d see you again.” 

“I thought this would be easier,” Bellamy mumbled, and Clarke let out a watery laugh. “Don’t laugh at me! You’re so self-sacrificing and brave, I thought you’d be cool with taking one for the whole human race. You know, save the species, sail amongst the stars.” 

“Do you have any idea how many people I’d slaughter to get to you?” Clarke asked. When Bellamy shrugged, she wiped her eyes and leaned closer to the screen. “I’d wipe out cities, countries, entire civilizations. You have no idea what kind of blood I’d get on my hands.” 

“And here I was, thinking that you’d be the valiant one,” Bellamy said, and the ghosts of smiles had returned to their faces. 

“Bellamy, how many times have I told you that you can’t keep confusing Gryffindor and Slytherin?” 

“What does this have to do with Harry Potter? When has this conversation had anything at all to do with Harry Potter?” 

“Harry Potter is a part of me, babe. I’m a huge, Slytherin nerd who goes after what she wants, and I want you.” 

“Is it weird that this is turning me on?”

“Hey, it’s the end of all things, who’s gonna judge you now?” 

\- -

When the surface of the Earth set on fire, Bellamy was telling Clarke one more time what he’d imagined she would’ve looked like as she walked down the aisle. 

“You would’ve been fucking gorgeous, cause you know how good you look in sundresses and O told me your dress is like that times a thousand. And I’d be crying, obviously, because you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, but we wouldn’t do the whole lifting of the veil thing, because I always thought that was a little sexist. And it’s not fair that you get to hide your tears through fabric while everyone else can see mine. We’d say I do, and I love you, and all that boring shit, and then we’d get drunk and dance until we passed out.”

The video feed cut out as Bellamy talked about how the kids Octavia taught were planning on picking the flowers from the school garden to put on all the tables, and how Wells and O had promised they’d take over the parent dances. “And I’d be so jealous, because obviously I love you more than life itself and who is Wells, or anyone for that matter, to deprive me of-“ 

And then he was gone. 

Clarke held her hand on the screen for a long time. Longer than it took for the Earth to stop burning, and for the dust storms to begin their centuries long torment. His body, and those of everyone else she loved, would be buried in the Earth where they belonged. 

In the end, it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> ha. hahahah. i don't know what's going on with me, but it seems that I can't write anything. which sucks, but it's whatever cause I managed to force myself to write this and I'm hoping it's not, like a terrible piece of crap (pls send me a comment letting me know either way) (also come talk to me on tumblr @officialbellarketrash/emullz whichever is fine) 
> 
> hope u enjoy!!


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